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Enjoy the excerpt from Carole's newest book:
"I'M
'HEELING' ONE DAY AT A TIME:
THE
ULTIMATE, ONE-AND-ONLY QUESTION, ANSWER
AND
REFERENCE GUIDE TO LIFE AFTER WIDOWHOOD"
(Check back for release
information)
PRAISE FOR "I'M
'HEELING' ONE DAY AT A TIME…"
"What a comfort to know that while no one wants to "need" it,
there is a book that will help widows in a unique, compassionate and
contemporary way. Encouraging a smile while tackling tough subjects
and providing necessary support and education, this book will be
invaluable to those so badly in need".
Lee Woodruff,
New York Times #1 bestselling author, "In an Instant"
and "Perfectly Imperfect".
"It’s all in here – the emotions, the financial details, the scream
you want to scream and the hand you want to hold; all served up with
the kindness and humor that can make a gal feel a lot less alone".
Lenore Skenazy,
syndicated columnist and author, "Free-Range Kids"
"I'M
'HEELING'…"
FULL TABLE OF CONTENTS
I. Introduction
1. THE “WHAT NOW” OF WIDOWHOOD
a. "Older" vs. "Younger"..Who Am I?
b. “What Do I Do With Myself Now?”
c. “Why Don’t I Feel Better Yet?”
d. “Why Don’t I Feel Better Yet”…The Sequel
e. The “Square Peg” Syndrome
f. “Who Am I?”…For The “Technical” Widow
g. “Who Am I?”…For The “Not-So-Technical” Widow
h. A Widow By Any Other Name – PLEASE!
j. Living Single in a “Couples” World
k. The “Plurality” of Loss
l. “When It
Rains…” - The “Pancake Tragedy” Phenomenon
2. EMOTIONS – EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE OF THEM
a. The “Art” of Grieving – Your Way
b. The “Art” of
Grieving – According to the Rest of the World” (And How To Handle
It)
c
“How Can I
Help?”
d. The Eternal Question (and Answer) to “Why Me?”
e. “Closure” – The Word That Would Not Go Away
f. “Strength” – Their Perception and Your Reality
g. Whatever Happened to “Gone But Not Forgotten?”
h. Guilt Be Gone!
i.
The Anatomy of Anger
j. Walking Through the “Valley of the Shadow”…Alone
k. Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real
l.
A
“Perfect” Marriage – an “Imperfect” Reality
m. The "Married Widow"
3. WHAT’S “APPROPRIATE” – OR, “IS IT OK TO…”
a. Getting
Through the “Going Through”
b. Holidays and
Celebrations
c. Generally
Speaking…
d. “It’s My
Ring and I’ll Do What I Want…Maybe”
e.
"Dating Game" - or “Waiting Game”?
4. FINANCES, LEGALITY AND “WORKING” YOUR WAY THROUGH
a. Getting
It Together – and Keeping It That Way!
b. Everyone
is an “Expert” – NOT!
c. What Can
Wait…and What Cannot
d. Returning to Work (After the Funeral / “Bereavement Leave”)
e. Returning to Work (After Absence from the Workplace)
f. Money, The Family Tree – and the Breaking Branches
g. What’s
the (Legal) Deal?
h. Taking
Care of Business…Your Own
5. THE QUESTIONS, QUANDRIES, "DO’S, DON’T’S
AND DUMBFOUNDING” OF DATING
a. How Do You Know When You’re Ready to Date
b. What If You’re
“Supposed” to be Ready to Date – and You’re Not.
c. “I’m
‘Cheating’ On My Husband?” (Part 1)
d. “Who’s Going to Want
Me Now?”
e. How Do You Meet
People?
f. …and WHERE Do You
Meet People?
g. "What Will 'The
World' Think?"
h. "What Will The
Children Think?"
i. Dating and
Discouraged
6. LOVE IS ALL AROUND – REALLY!
a. “But I’m Afraid”
b. "How Do I Know That
It’s Really Love?"
c. The “Invisible Yardstick” Strikes Again
7. THE INTRICACIES OF INTIMACY
a. The REAL “Fear
Factor”
b.
"I’m 'Cheating' On My Husband" (Part 2)
c. The “Rules”
d. “Taking Care of a
Different Kind of ‘Business’ ”
8. CHILDREN – THEIR TODAY AND YOUR FAMILY'S "TOMORROW"
a. When “Breaking the
News” Means Breaking a Heart
b. Being Strong is Great
– Being “Weak” is Even Better
c. Dealing with the
Grieving Child ( under the age of ten years)
d. Dealing with the
Grieving Child (adolescents, teenagers and young adults)
e. People Say the
Dumbest Things…the “Junior” Version
f. “Overfocus” on Your
Children; “Underfocus” on You
g.
“Steps – The Ones Inside Your Heart
9. REMARRIAGE AND RECOMMITTMENT REVIEW
a. “I Thought I Was Ready and I’m Not”
b. “I Think I
Can – or Can I?”
c.
Consider This…
d. Blending Families: Stir Together…Mix Well?
10. THE “AFTERLIFE” – YOURS!
The
following is an excerpt from Carole Brody Fleet's newest book,
"I'm 'Heeling' One Day at a Time…"
To quote the Beatles, the journey known as widowhood is without a
doubt:
THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD
As weeks turned into the months and as I slowly rejoined the human
race and began the arduous task of building a new life with a then
pre-adolescent daughter of eleven years, I also embarked upon a
search for answers to the many questions that all widows have – and
I couldn’t find those answers. While wonderful books all,
absolutely none of the grief books that I had read were addressing
any of the very perplexing questions that were running around in my
head – it seemed that the only thing that anyone wanted to talk
about was grief… and only grief. Worse still, the more time
that passed after Mike's death, the more questions I had – questions
that badly needed answering and many of which I was afraid to even
ask.
Years later, it finally occurred to me:
IF YOU CAN'T FIND IT…YOU CREATE IT.
Written in very easy question-and-answer format, the book is meant
to be used as both a reference book and as a companion to the first
book. You can easily find the answer to virtually any question that
you have about your widowhood by simply visiting the Table of
Contents and going quickly to the area about which you have
questions, challenges or concerns.
The questions are taken from actual letters written to me; as well
as from message board postings by the thousands of visitors at
www.widowswearstilettos.com. These letters have been edited
for content and for privacy reasons and the answers are the actual
answers that I provided; along with additional observations and
commentary. As you read, you will find that the questions and
answers cover a broad range of subjects - in other words, I can
almost guarantee that if you have a question about your widowhood or
your healing journey, at least one other widow has had that question
and you will likely find the question in this book – and the best
part is that you will find an answer to that question as
well.
Most importantly, realize that you are not alone in your journey of
healing and your journey of learning. Widows Wear Stilettos'
motto has always been, "We're Here and We Care" because it's
a fact. We are here to answer your questions compassionately and
honestly, ease your way, reassure your mind, bolster your spirit and
most especially, we are here to help you return to a life that is
whole, healthy and happy.
Since our philosophy at Widows Wear Stilettos is "What Now
and What Next", let's begin our question-and-answer journey
together with…
Chapter One
THE "WHAT NOW" OF WIDOWHOOD
“Who am I?”
“What do I do now?”
As I lay on my couch the day after Mike’s funeral, in my stunningly
attractive penguin-printed flannel pajamas with the feet in them,
these two questions repeatedly turned over and over in my mind.
They were burned into my brain; etched into my "soul with a hole".
Day after day, I continued to just lie there; pondering these two
questions. I didn’t open the blinds. I’m not entirely sure that I
ate anything. I just lay there thinking:
“Who am I?”
“What do I do now?”
Not only are these understandably daunting questions, these are by
far the two most frequently asked questions by widows. The funeral
is over with and everyone has gone home and returned to their lives
– yet for you, the reality of widowhood and the building of a new
life has just begun. Most are left without any sense of direction
and in many cases, without even a sense of “self”. You are simply
left…alone.
You may be surprised to learn that the “What Now” of widowhood isn’t
limited to only those who have been recently widowed. You may have
been a widow for quite awhile and feel as though you are still
trapped in the “Who Am I / What Do I Do Now” phase of your
healing journey – wanting oh-so-much to move forward and not having
an inkling as to how to begin to do so.
Let’s then examine the questions and concerns regarding the
“beginning” - this most important part of your healing journey – as
well as some of the ways that you can begin to slowly refocus
and rebuild into a promising new life of your own. Whether your loss
happened last week or last decade – let this very moment be a
"beginning" for you.
“Why Don’t I Feel Better Yet?”
·
“I
lost my husband to an accident. It has been two months and the pain
just keeps getting worse.”
·
“I lost my husband a week ago and I haven't a clue how to live life
now.”
There’s little that hurts my heart more than hearing a widow say, “It’s
been three weeks” or “It’s been six months” and they
cannot figure out why they don’t yet feel better. Why don’t you
feel better? Because it’s only been three weeks or six months - of
course you’re still sad.
The fact is that the great majority of widows have completely
unrealistic expectations of themselves as to their recovery and
can’t figure out why they’re still crying more than laughing after a
few weeks or even months have passed. This is likely compounded by
the possible presence of a person (or people) who have decided on
your behalf that you should be “over it” and “moving on” –
regardless of how much (or more to the point, how little)
time has passed since your husband’s death. You must right now
get realistic about what you have been through and that from which
you are recovering.
Many
of you already know that the very first thing I encourage anyone to
do whose loss is recent is to "baby" yourself. Your loss is brand
new and truly, you are still in the "shock" phase. Right now, even
though it might not be the most comfortable place to be, it is
perfectly fine to be in that phase - a sort of "fog" if you will.
Regardless of whether or not the death of your husband was
“expected”, you are still trying to get your head around what
has happened to you. That "fog" is your body's cushion against the
shock that you have sustained. Allow yourself be cushioned – it’s
OK to actually be just plain sad.
“Why Don’t I Feel Better Yet”….The Sequel
·
“I am just ‘going through the motions’. It has been years and I
still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.”
·
“I feel like I'm going backwards. You think that in time it will get
easier but it just gets different”.
Have
you ever had any kind of dental work? Of course you have. What
happens after the dentist is done drilling or pounding or extracting
and that anesthetic starts to wear off a few hours later? It hurts
– a bunch!
One
of the reasons that you may feel worse as time passes or as though
you're "going backward" is that the "fog" that we just talked about
– the anesthetic that has cushioned you against the shock of your
loss – has begun to wear off. Just as happens when that dental
anesthetic begins to wear off, the “anesthetic” that has numbed you
against your loss begins to wear off as life slowly begins to
resume. The "fog" begins to lift and the pain becomes more real.
Furthermore, things like legal and financial matters, transitioning
your children into a life without Daddy and returning to work can
all serve to postpone the facing of our own grief, with which you
may just now be starting to cope.
Another reason that you may be feeling your emotional pain even more
acutely with the passage of time is that you did not allow yourself
adequate time to heal initially. There is no shame in that of
course, but as my mother used to tell me, “If you ‘skip over’ any
part of your life, at some point in time, you will go back to
retrieve it.” This is what you may be experiencing now.
(This
is also the explanation used to rationalize 90-year-old men with bad
comb-overs wearing diamond studs in their ears, shirts unbuttoned
down to their navels with obligatory gold chains and driving
fire-engine-red sport cars).
For
whatever reasons at the time of your loss – it was too difficult for
you to be alone; a well-meaning friend or relative told you that you
should be “over it” already; you busied yourself to distraction with
work, children or both – you were not permitted to truly grieve and
accept that which had happened to you.
Ever
hear the phrase, “back to basics”? This is what I’m going to
encourage you to do now – go back to the “basics” of healing. Even
though you may be further past your husband’s death in terms of
chronological time, you may very well need to re-visit the very
basic first steps of healing in the ways that I described earlier.
Re-establish your basic routine; pay attention to your health on a
regular basis and start your recovery processes over again.
·
“I’ve practically begged people to do things with me – like going
to a movie or something, but they all have stuff going on. Do I need
to make new friends instead of the friends we were “couples” with?”
·
“I don't even know where to look for single friends.”
You can certainly “keep”
the friends that you and your husband had as a couple; realizing
that yes, they are going to have their “couple activities” going on
– but what’s wrong with making new friends as well? What are you
doing to facilitate new relationships, new adventures and new
possibilities?
If you want to go out
with the “girl half” of your couple friends, pick up the phone with
your datebook in hand and ask, “What are you doing on Saturday
(or on Sunday, or on the 7th, etc)? " Don’t just say,
“Let’s go to a movie sometime”, or “We should get together
for lunch someday soon”. “Sometime” and “Someday” are not days
of the week - book a date, a time and a place to meet! I assure you
that no matter how busy they think they are, no one has “stuff going
on” every single hour of every single day.
“Who Am I?”…For The “Not-So-Technical” Widow
·
“My
husband and I were married for [many] years and divorced for
[several] years. During the years of divorce we remained the best
of friends, had daily contact and were a support system for each
other. We were talking of reuniting again. He recently died of a
heart attack and I'm not sure if I'm a widow or not.”
·
“My
boyfriend of [many] years was killed in an accident. I am not
‘technically’ a widow because we were never married. However, I feel
lost because I have no ‘title’ to explain the depth of our
relationship to people. When people hear that my ‘boyfriend’ died,
even though our relationship was [long term], they do not equate it
to someone saying that their ‘husband’ died. I feel upset when I
feel that I have to make a case for the degree of my loss and the
grief that I have endured.”
·
“I lost my fiancé [in a terrible accident]. It felt so wrong picking
out funeral flowers at the florist while surrounded by wedding
bouquets. We were together [for many] years. I don't know how to be
alone since I never have been [alone].”
I
have received an exceptionally large number of letters that have all
asked essentially the same question: “If I am someone who would
not be considered ‘widowed on paper’ – but I am a ‘widow of the
heart’, do I ‘qualify’ as a widow?”
The answer is no – and yes.
You
are usually not considered a widow for purposes of any kind of
survivor benefits that are issued by governmental entities.
However, since laws vary widely from state to state and from country
to country, it is very important to check the laws where you live
regarding your entitlement to any survivor benefits issued by any
government agencies. Speaking generally however, if you are
unmarried, you can generally benefit financially only if your
partner made written provision for you to do so; typically through a
Will or a life insurance policy.
Otherwise, you are absolutely going through and have gone through
many, if not all of the same emotions that your widowed sisterhood
experiences. You may not "technically" be a widow but since when is
love governed by technicality? Devoted love, abiding love,
committed love…is love; regardless of what is or is not on paper.
And if indeed love is love, it naturally follows that loss is loss.
In your heart, your loss is no less than mine or anyone else who has
lost a spouse. Your loss should not be diminished or in any way
trivialized simply due to the lack of a marriage license. In other
words, whomsoever says or believes that it should be “easier” for
you because you were “never married” was not only woefully
incorrect; no one gets to dictate how you “should” feel or how much
“easier” your recovery should be. No one.
As I pointed out earlier and as far as your emotional recovery is
concerned, there are no “qualifying” requirements here.
I would strongly encourage you to continue to seek support at and
with Widows Wear Stilettos as the very special sort of “widow
of the heart” that you are. Trust me, regardless of your
“technical” marital status, you will always be supported and
welcomed with open arms.
“When It Rains…” – The “Pancake Tragedy” Phenomenon
·
“I lost a baby and almost died. My husband and I were married
shortly thereafter and [a very few months] after we were married, he
passed away.”
·
“My husband died tragically after [an accident]. After
[approximately one year], I met another wonderful man who cared for
me greatly and I loved him deeply. He [subsequently] suffered a
heart attack and died [the day after the attack].”
When I share our story of our family’s journey with audiences and
with the media, I generally share only one-third of the entire
story. You see, ten days prior to Mike’s death, our uncle very
premeditatedly committed suicide…in fact, my daughter Kendall and my
mother were his memorial service while I was with Mike in the
intensive care unit at the hospital; where he was nearing the end of
his life. A mere three weeks after Mike’s death, I was on an
out-of-state business trip when I collapsed. I was immediately
flown home, taken off of the airplane in a wheelchair, rushed
straight to the hospital and on an operating table twelve hours
later; undergoing major abdominal surgery. I had no sooner
recovered from surgery six weeks later when I received a phone call
from the hospital, informing me that my father had been admitted.
He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer within 24 hours and passed
away nine weeks after the diagnosis.
All of these events happened within a time span of four months.
Welcome to the phenomenon of “Pancake Tragedy” – the trials and
challenges that come one of top of another on top of another still.
You first wonder exactly what you did that was so horrible that you
“deserve” these tragedies that are stacking up…just like pancakes.
You next wonder exactly how you’re supposed to get through today…and
tomorrow…and the day after that. You are without a doubt, afraid of
leaving your house or answering your phone or opening your door for
fear of what’s going to happen next.
Why are you being made to endure so many tragedies? We know that we
cannot answer the “Why me” – we can deal only with the “What
now?”. First, it’s important to realize that even though losses
may be coming one on top of another and / or in close proximity in
terms of time, relationship or both, each loss is individual.
Too many think that because they have grieved one loss (or two or
ten) that they are not entitled to grieve another loss – that
somehow there is a “statute of limitations” on the amount of
grieving that you’re permitted to do.
Next, return to the “basics” by taking care of you in the best way
possible – that will always be how you are going to best enable your
recovery from multiple tragedies. Continue to surround yourself
with love and support – people want to help you and I encourage you
to let them do so.
You may feel as though you are continually getting knocked on your
backside and that you don’t have any “fight” left in you. Guess
what? You have a lot of fight in you – get ornery, get stubborn and
“get determined” to keep going. I know what it’s like to have
bruises on your butt from getting knocked down so much – get up,
brush yourself off and get just cranky enough to decide that all of
these tragedies combined are NOT enough to stop you from moving
forward. Please also take comfort in and trust in the knowledge
that eventually – even though it seems like it may take awhile…the
storm clouds do pass.
IT'S A "WRAP"…STILETTO-STYLE!
By now, you have discovered that the "What Now" of
widowhood encompasses many difference aspects – from learning how
and where you fit in; to how you can begin to change your attitude
toward the word "widow". It's time now to move on to the many
different emotional aspects of widowhood and your healing journey.
This is a great time to grab a highlighter or pen and play a little
game with yourself – how many of the following situations / emotions
/ issues have happened to you too? Don't be surprised when you find
yourself nodding – or even laughing along!
**********************************************************************************************************
"WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS..."
AVAILABLE
AT ALL MAJOR RETAILERS AND AT ALL MAJOR ONLINE STORES
“Carole
Brody Fleet offers advice and humor in the book,’
Widows Wear Stilettos…’ to help young widows cope with loss.”
The Orange County Register
(CA)
“A young widow holds
out a helping hand to others who have lost their husbands”
The San Diego
Union-Tribune
(CA)
“Mourning and
depression give way to ‘Widows Wear Stilettos…’; a touching
and funny memoir”
The Monterey County
Herald (CA)
“A
young widow reclaims her life through writing - tragedy
pushes Carole Brody
Fleet to help others dealing with loss”.
The Houston Chronicle
(TX)
“The title of [Carole
Brody Fleet’s] book is catchy, but [the] sentiment is powerful and
necessary for those who feel alone”.
The
L.A. Daily News
(Valley
Edition) (CA)
The following is an excerpt from
the critically-acclaimed book:
“Widows Wear Stilettos: A Practical and Emotional Guide for the
Young Widow”
December 21, 2000. The sun was setting on a
stereotypically beautiful California afternoon. Dozens of police
officers stood at rapt attention; some with tears streaming down
their faces, belying their attempts at stoicism. The soft moan of
bagpipes echoed the traditional “Amazing Grace” over the hillsides.
Several hundred more people stood staring at the flag-draped coffin
with the identically numb expression – complete and utter
disbelief. In one of my few moments of lucidity that day, watching
this moment unfold as if it were happening to someone else and while
holding tightly to our then-11 year old daughter’s hand, one lone
thought continued to play over and over in my head:
I’m a widow.
Widowed. To my mind, widows are older, retired, with grown children
and grandchildren. Widows are married for years and years and enjoy
a rich, full and storied life with their spouse. Widows sport gray
hair, live in retirement communities and go on a lot of cruises.
Widows wear sensible shoes and entertain with stories of the “good
old days” (penny candy, dime movies and Uncle Miltie) or the “bad
old days” (the Depression and walking to school uphill both ways in
the snow).
Conversely, I’m the last of the Baby Boomer generation. Born in
1960, I came of age during Women’s Rights, Vietnam and Watergate;
pet rocks and puka shells, Led Zeppelin and lava lamps. My
generation is “post-Pill and pre-AIDS”; ours is the generation that
witnessed the birth of the microwave oven, the personal computer,
the VCR and remember a life without MTV, cell phones, the Internet
or reality television.
Widowed? Impossible. I wear low-rise pants and
miniskirts. Stiletto heels are the mainstay of my always-expanding
wardrobe and in fact, the license plates on my car pay homage to my
almost-fanatical love of all things footwear. I know all of the
words to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. My CD collection is heavily
laden with 1970’s disco and heavy metal and 1980’s new wave,
pop-punk and “hair band” music. Shopping is my zen, I’d rather
dance, than breathe and I love laughing till it hurts at comedy
clubs and taking frequent trips to Las Vegas.. I enjoy lemon drop
martinis at sunset and a champagne cocktail with dinner (OK, I know
the latter is a 1950’s-era drink, but still…). My daughter and I
share clothes and cheeseburgers, beauty tips and giggles…
Yet I’m a widow.
At only 40 years old, I was widowed, with a child to raise,
mortgages to pay, the same “pile of bills” that every family in
America has sitting on their respective desks, while in the midst of
a veritable tornado of emotions and absolutely no idea how to
transition into this new and unexpected life.
I
attempted to seek support from others in my not-so-common position;
those who were widowed at a younger age with children to raise and a
sizeable chunk of life still in front of them - and found none. All
of the widow/widower organizations, while certainly worthwhile,
boasted membership consisting primarily of people in the somewhat
older, here-are-pictures-of-my-grandchildren age group. The few
support groups that I found on the Internet were either determined
to discuss nothing but their dear departed and ONLY their dear
departed or they were looking for dates.
Books? There are a lot of wonderful books out there on widowhood,
grieving and loss - but none that I found dealt with the both
the practical issues of widowhood (whom to contact and how, what
paperwork you’ll need and helpful resources), as well as issues that
are particular to younger widows, such as helping young and
adolescent children transition and function in a world where
“everyone has a dad except me”; re-entering the world of dating at a
time when the large majority of your friends are married; the
necessity of re-entering the workplace; functioning as a “single” in
a “couples” world without feeling like the cruise director on Noah’s
Ark; becoming sexually active again (or not), remarrying (or not),
and so many other issues that affect women who are widowed in their
40’s, their 30’s and younger still.
It is then for those women to whom the title of widow has come far
too soon, that “Widows Wear Stilettos…” is intended - for
those women to whom “till death do us part” happened long before it
was ever expected, whether by long term illness, sudden illness,
accident or tragic circumstance.
Please let me reassure you that though you may feel like it right
now, you are not alone. Let me also reassure
you that even if you can’t see it right now, today, this
moment….there is a big, beautiful life out there and together, we
will help you go get it.
GET YOUR COPY OF
“WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS...”
TODAY
AND BE SURE TO CHECK BACK FOR RELEASE INFORMATION FOR
"I'M 'HEELING' ONE DAY AT A TIME..."
Links
to Online Ordering Sites include, but are not limited to:
Amazon
Barnes and Noble
Bigger Books.com
Books A Million
Borders Books
eCampus.com
Overstock Books
Target
Tower Books
If you would like to buy Carole's CD,
"Widows
Wear Stilettos - "What Now?"
for only $16.99, click here:
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